Friends Without Faces

Some Thoughts (That May or May Not Be Coherent)

Photo by Jesús Rocha on Unsplash

I have a lot of friends online, in fact probably more than in person, if we’re only counting people around my age. And lately I’ve been thinking about what a strange thing it is, to have friends who I’ve never actually met in real life. Sometimes I think I know so much about a person, and then my Mom asks some simple question about her and I realize I don’t actually know a thing, really. I have friends that I still haven’t seen pictures of; I often don’t find out how old people are until I’ve been talking with them for months and months. I don’t know what their parents do for work, sometimes I don’t know what state they live in. I get a vague sense of siblings from conversations about them, but even that sometimes isn’t quite concrete.

And it makes sense, in a way. I might have my profile picture as me, but it feels different, somehow, to send a picture of me to my friends, especially at first. I still call my brothers ‘The Older Brother’ and ‘The Younger Brother’, even with people I trust and know very well. There is a very understandable reluctance to share information with strangers, especially online, and sometimes I feel that the mind can’t quite bridge the gap between ‘stranger’ and ‘friend’ without having seen someone, having laughed with them, having heard their voice. There is a subconscious distance we put between ourselves and others, even in person. The desire not to appear vulnerable, to project ourselves as we wish to be projected. Often I think that I don’t like to talk about serious topics as a method of self protection. We might disagree on something, so I avoid it altogether. I bring up things I know that both I and my friends agree upon and skirt around other subjects. I find myself maintaining that distance, even if I don’t mean to.

In the end, I do not believe that humans are designed to be so connected and yet feel so alone. We are meant for physical, tangible contact. To be surrounded by people, in the real world.

And yet it has become such an intrinsical part of our world to interact with people we only know through a little circle of profile picture, from a few short sentences of a bio. People whose voices we may never hear.

And I am grateful, very much so, that I live in an era when I can remain in contact with the people I love despite constantly moving around. A world where I can find kindred spirits no matter where they live on this good green earth. A world where I have the freedom to choose who I interact with. This little community I’ve stumbled upon on Substack has been amazing, and I am constantly blown away by all the love and support and kind words and humor. You guys are truly some of the kindest I have had the pleasure of meeting, and I am constantly so grateful for everything you’ve done for me.

Yet, at times I am struck with the sorrow that I cannot tell you to come over for tea and a movie night and board games. That I will never run into you at the grocery store or the bookstore, never exchange basic pleasantries meeting in the street. I cannot lend you my well-loved novels, for you to read over, knowing that we laughed at the same places, that the same lines choked us up. I will never lie on the grass with a group of you, laughing as we count the stars. Sometimes I wonder how I am to make peace with that fact, I who longs so much for connection in a world that has grown further and further apart. Sometimes I feel that we are sinking, drifting away from each other even as we gain the ability to stay in contact no matter the distance, no matter the barriers.

I often feel like a spectre, flitting in and out of other people’s lives, seeing glimpses of lives, pieces of a whole picture. And yet whenever I wonder, if it is even worth it, I remember all the little things that have made me smile. The friends who were there for me, when I truly needed them. The silly things that made me smile. The thoughtful observations and quiet musings. Letters I will treasure forever, phone calls during which I laughed so much my side hurt, the inside jokes that only a select few people will ever understand. Friendship is never easy. It never falls perfectly into place just as we want it to. But it is always, always worth fighting for.

If emails and messages and letters are what I get, then I will hold onto those until my dying breath. If I cannot be there in person for the people who I love, I will be there as much as I can in whatever ways I can. If I bring even the slightest bit of joy into other people’s lives, then I will cling to that, and do what I can.

Because it might not be easy. It might not be smooth. But if I let that stop me from living my life to the fullest with the people I have come to love and trust, then that makes me as much of a coward as if I had never tried in the first place.

And I want you to know that I appreciate you, the people who have held me together. The people who don’t care how strange I am, who always lift me up. Who make me smile even through tears. I am so lucky to know you, and I hope that even if we eventually drift apart, you understand what a mark you made on my life, and how much richer I am to know you. I know it isn’t always easy. That friendship with me is always going to entail leaving, that I will never fit into the easy boxes life has set up for us. The fact that there are people who love me despite my flaws makes me feel that I can fulfil my dreams, that practical strangers believe in me is a blessed thing.

So thank you, my faithful companions. A quest isn’t complete without friends to help you along the way, and, after longing for such a thing for years, I finally have so many wonderful people to fall back on, and I will never be able to put into words quite how much that means to me.

So thank you, again, my beautiful trio, my raven bestie, my first writing friend, my coauthor and surrogate big sister, my partner in crime, my cheerleader, (y’all know who you are), and everyone else who has lent a kind word or made me smile or convinced me I’m not the only one.

As I said, I have no words, so let me say, in closing.

Stay gold. Live life richly. And don’t ever let anyone convinced you that the people who mean the world to you aren’t fighting for.